Many years ago I worked with an MSEE who grew up in China when the schools were closed. No math from age 8 until age 14 for him. I asked “How did you ever catch up?” he replied, “we were all at the same level and at that age you learn very fast”.
You ask a good question. The fact that you can ask about this is a positive indication that you can change. Most would be afraid to ask. Toxic communication is related to a tendency to blame instead of appreciate the wants, needs, desires, capabilities, and circumstances of another.
One model considers three aspects to communication; the self, the other, and the context of the communication. The ‘self’ is the set of parameters of your own wants, needs, desires, capabilities, and circumstances. That same set of parameters about the person you’re dealing with is the ‘other’, and ‘context’ considers where you are at, who you are with, and the nature of your meeting together.
When we understand the self and the context, but don’t have understanding of the parameters of the other, then we blame. We point our finger at them and accuse. We use hurtful phrases like “that’s stupid”, “that’s worthless”, “what a loser” …etc. People, who tend to cope with situations using blame, get labeled as toxic, nasty, or some other pejorative term. That communication style tends to bruise the self-esteem of others and is thus regarding as painful or off-putting.
Recognizing the parameters of the ‘other’ seems like it should be easy to do. But, if you didn’t learn to do this as a younger person, then it requires a lot of time and practice. One way to work on this is:
1. Provide an understanding of your own wants, needs, desires, capabilities, and circumstances to the other.
2. Ask questions that let you understand the wants, needs, desires, capabilities and circumstances of the other.
3. Work within the context of the meeting, and strive to increase your understanding. Put a watchdog program into your own personal algorithm, and when you find yourself blaming, then go back to steps 1 &2.
This sounds easy to do, yet it is not. Especially if you have expertise in some area, and feel overwhelmed by trying to bring others up to speed. Go slow at first and in time, like any other habit it can become your nature, and then you will not be labeled as being toxic.
