I'd only recommend to take out Notes from the underground and replace it with Idiot, which Dostoevsky himself liked the most of all his works. Devils and Gambler are just below these three. Also, Humiliated and insulted allegedly made Nietzsche cry. But that one I haven't read (yet).
I'm currently reading Steppenwolf by Hesse and it has me thinking a lot. Main character (Harry Haller) seems to portray being in one of those "be careful what you wish for" situations. One aiming for individuality and independence at the cost of alienating people close to him. It is his desire, his goal in the beginning and ends up being his punishment, his prison. Maybe I found the book at the right time of my life (25).
"Ah, Harry, we have to stumble, through so much dirt and humbug before we reach home. And we have no one to guide us. Our only guide is our homesickness."
Community Patch Project & Community Balance Patch. Still under regular development, a lot of (if not all) base game issues are ironed out. After playing this I couldn't force myself to endure Civ6 and its many flaws.
Transire suum pectus mundoque potiri. Life is unfair, a lot of rules are arbitrary, phony people thrive. Get over it, get over yourself. Focus on something worthy and specific, and grind.
This is dangerous. Complimented with _virtual moral high ground_, a lot of stupid people have a voice. Reminds me of [0]. Female porn star said she didn't want to shoot films with male porn stars who did gay porn prior. Of course many people found that outrageous. Cyber bullying made her kill herself. One would think women should have freedom to decide for themselves who they should have sex with. Ironic.
Have you ever tried medication? For me personally it's even worse when working for others. Even went to the therapist, but she said they don't prescribe stuff like Adderall (don't even have it), and solution is just therapy in form of talking, which had zero effect (she asked questions I asked myself when I was 15). Really curious about Adderall.
Went through Ritalin (normal & XR), amphetamine, SSRI and tricyclic antidepressants, but in hindsight none of those gave me much leverage... just left me with holes in my short term memory I'm still regularly annoyed by. YMMV of course, I'm not a doctor and results in this space vary wildly.
The really large improvements came from external structure and therapy. BTW I experienced pretty much the same as you did in the beginning, it was only the third therapist who asked the really uncomfortable questions and went in deep. The others were just a waste of time. The difference between good and bad therapists is several orders of magnitude and a personal connection matters. Don't give up and try to get recommendations.
Not OP. But when my doc said I have ADHD I gave it a try and it doesn't for me. I tried several dosages and settings but it does never improve my focus and especially not my motivation. If anything the wrong dosage made it just worse.
I still don't see the use for these pills out of last resort party add on.
I'm not a doctor, but if you do have ADHD, it's worth trying all the available medication -- amphetamines(adderall, dexedrine, desoxyn), methylphenidate in it's various release forms, strattera, or off label medicine -- modafinil, bupropion or even nicotine patches.
You might also have another condition like depression.
I've experimented with several chemicals (probably not legal where I live) and indeed not all provide both focus AND motivation.
Healthy work habits, enjoying the work that you do, having longer term goals and your work actually contributing to your longer term goals, having hobbies outside work and so on and on -- all these things can help.
Also make sure you lead a healthy lifestyle, you sleep properly, you do physical activity, check you vitamin Bs, hormone levels -- thyroid, testosterone.
You can also do a DNA test with 23andme/ancestry and then analyze the raw data with something like Promethease.
Adderall helps me with focus and motivation but it makes me feel absolutely not like myself. I've done various drugs throughout my life but the feeling I had on Adderall was honestly downright scary once I had wrapped up the programming tasks I set out to do on it.
Did you feel "zombied-out" -- completely emotionless, staring at a blank wall, like you have your foot on both the acceleration and the break pedal of a car; I felt that way when taking too large of a dosage of certain stimulants.
I certainly don't mind being an average 1x programmer, if I don't have to take drugs to better my performance.
I don't like coffee, nor alcohol, and I never put any smoke in my mouth. When my diet is OK and my body gets the required exercise, the mind works best.
I tried all variations on the theme - different sleep patterns (getting up early at fixed time, waking naturally), diets (low carb, no processed food with excess sugar etc etc, workouts (running, working with weights), no coffee, just 1 cup of coffee, max 2-3 cups of coffee... sadly without significant effect. What I also notice that my lack of focus is not tied just to productivity - I can't even finish Lord of the Rings movie in one sitting, and I LOVE it.
I have worked 0 hours the last 3 days, but I did 90h/week stakes for 2 months continuously from December to January.
Have you ever been burned out? I wouldn't work 90 hours per week these days unless someone was paying me a really serious amount of money. For my current rates, I find it not unethical to work at a more relaxed pace, procrastinating, really maybe working for about 3 hours per day.
You might be unsure of the resulting reward from doing something.
When I was an undergraduate, I've experienced poverty and hunger multiple times, which was proved to be (ironically) a great motivator. Unless off course I couldn't find a client to do a project for so I'd find myself in some serious depression instead.
I was (am?) a Matrix fan myself, but I wouldn't find it rewarding to rewatch the films or the anime again. I like re-reading the interpretations once in 2 or 3 years or so (<spoilers>I believe Neo is a program himself and Zion is also a simulation</spoilers>).
On the other hand, I binge-watched the two seasons of Stranger Things when the second one came out. Did I like it? Yes. Would I rewatch it, no. There's no reward in doing so.
I hate to give advice on the internet, as the variables that define each of us are haotic, but try to get along with yourself. Boredom might be a coping/survival mechanism of our bodies to not burn out (the reward must be greater than the energy/time you dedicated to a project).
