This is going to sound absurdly simple: empathise more often.
Everyone can do it, but not everyone does it. If you make an effort to actually imagine yourself in others shoes, your boss and your colleagues, and then feel it... Do this especially whenever any negative emotions or uncertainty appear in response to a colleagues actions or words.
I think all of the so called "people skills" are just side effects by comparison. If you empathise, it's genuine, and so called people-skills will emerge naturally. This also goes beyond the mere appearance of people skills, because it will make you better understand the needs behind the demands of others, and make it more likely they take the effort to understand yours when they see you understand theirs (subconsciously).
Like I said, as a premise, it's absurdly simple, but in practice it's a big deal.
This has been the hardest for me- Some people are truly incompetent. The VAST majority are not though. They are solving the problem in the most optimal way they see fit for the constraints given to them. Constraints that you may have no awareness of, and not understanding of. Some of those constraints may not seem rational- "We have to get this out the door by next week." What you may not have a full understanding of, is that feature is going to bring in an extra 50k a week of revenue, it makes a TON of sense in that case to just hack it together and throw it out the door. From a business perspective, you can go back and rewrite it later, the economics are there.
Its very difficult to understand the top down view sometimes, or the view of someone in a lateral position. I used to fight against decisions I thought were bad too much. I try really hard to understand their perspective these days- its still a struggle, I am not always successful. To be honest though, instead of getting emotionally invested (and pissed off), its super helpful to say "ok, this is not what you would do. Lets step back and try to understand their circumstances as to why they are doing this?" Immediately everything becomes depersonalized, and its just a system to model and understand how to put your input into it to try and get the outcome you want. My stress and emotional involvement go down, happiness goes up.
I personally found it very difficult to start actively empathizing, but its really helped, and I feel is what will take me to another level in terms of leadership.
> Constraints that you may have no awareness of, and not understanding of. Some of those constraints may not seem rational- "We have to get this out the door by next week." [...] that feature is going to bring in an extra 50k a week of revenue, it makes a TON of sense in that case to just hack it together and throw it out the door.
Yes, I've encountered many variants of this scenario coming from above.
My efforts to empathise then usually evolve into a one-to-one meeting to understand the reasons for such a demand and it's importance, and to explain the technical costs for a decision which seems like a technically bad choice. Usually the result is a shared understanding of this being something that does not improve the product or thing (especially long term), but is purely a short term business decision - With that understanding it's far easier between the two of you to decide if the cost is worth it, or, if there is an alternative, or, if there is a compromise, or, in the worst case if there is a long term strategy that can reverse the technical cost while satisfying the business demands in the short term.
... but it all comes from trying to understand each other, and it doesn't have to be about negative things, it's even better when applied to all interaction and requests coming your way.
Particularly when people ask for things, almost always you can suggest a better solution. It's the classic "but what do you really want", lost of good stack overflow answers come in this form, but it applies to more than just technical domains.
Everyone can do it, but not everyone does it. If you make an effort to actually imagine yourself in others shoes, your boss and your colleagues, and then feel it... Do this especially whenever any negative emotions or uncertainty appear in response to a colleagues actions or words.
I think all of the so called "people skills" are just side effects by comparison. If you empathise, it's genuine, and so called people-skills will emerge naturally. This also goes beyond the mere appearance of people skills, because it will make you better understand the needs behind the demands of others, and make it more likely they take the effort to understand yours when they see you understand theirs (subconsciously).
Like I said, as a premise, it's absurdly simple, but in practice it's a big deal.