I did throw everything away. I walked away from ~$10M, so this isn't the problem.

To live in the present moment one has to unsee the cant. That's the difficult part. How to keep the mind from focusing on all the bullshit that it can't unsee. The burnout, the disillusionment, the politics, the faded friendships. That's what's hard.

Don't go off of anti-depressants and don't stop going to therapy.

My burnout got so bad that I was starting to forget words and had a difficult time remembering short term tasks. I had trouble sleeping. My thoughts were cloudy and it became difficult to stay productive.

Therapy has given me the tools and framework to develop habits and patterns of thinking to cope with my burnout.

If I had been prescribed anti-depressants I wouldn't hesitate to be on them.

Unchecked, who knows how bad it could have gotten.

I can relate to a lot of the things you've stated. I won't get into the specifics but I understand your experience of working at a tech giant.

In my case, I decided to try to "play the game" for a while. After a few years, I realized clout, money, and the things it afforded were ultimately meaningless to me.

Things like mentoring young engineers, hobbies, and organizing local student hackathons definitely took the edge off. But ultimately so much of it, even the things for the community, was ego-driven. Trying to make the world a better place, a lot of the time, is ultimately ego-driven.

I tried many things but only found lasting peace in turning to God. Jesus died for your sins and I can testify that having faith in Him has lead me to a new, more meaningful life.

Life isn't necessarily easier, but every day is imbued with tremendous meaning.

You're clearly thoughtful, probably competent, and without a doubt, the Lord has a plan for your life. You just have to take the first step and accept Him as your savior.

My emails are always open. Good luck, I am praying that you coming out of this season stronger than before.

Something I've always wondered about that maybe you could help me with. What does it mean to say that "Jesus died for our sins"?

Happy to help man --

We were all born spiritually dead (Ephesians 2:1-3)

When we're dead spiritually, we're disconnected from the presence of God because of our sins.

Jesus' sacrifice made it possible to be brought back to spiritual life. By believing in Him, He wipes our sins clean. This is what it means to be saved :) (John 3:16)

How has turning to God changed your life? Did it change what you do or how you view the things you do? In other words, would your life look the same to an outside observer but there has been an internal shift in your mind?

I'll answer this one in reverse --

It changed my heart. Our actions stream outward from the motivations of our heart.

Prior to turning to God the motivations in my heart were shaped by societal constructs of success as a man. (Ephesians 2:1-3) Particularly influenced via hip-hop, tech, and stoicism.

My actions stemmed from that. I was moderately successful in material terms but the emptiness persisted. Moreover, my actions were hurting relationships I cared about because the motivation of my heart, however outwardly altruistic, ended up being self-centered.

Accepting Jesus as my savior started a change of heart. The motivation in my heart is now loving God and loving my neighbor as I love myself (Mark 12:30-31) and acting accordingly. It's a gradual process and I still have things to work through. But He has helped me overcome materialism, lust, and is (strongly) helping me overcome pride.

I don't want to speak for outside observers, but my dad and many old friends have commented on the change. Walking with the Lord is a completely different life for me. It's freedom.

I get what you mean. It's hard to let go of these realities we see. I see it all the time in my corp. And I am convinced, too, that it's hard to do fun/interesting things in technology. It honestly baffles me at times, how we just throw away our time so recklessly, so soullessly. We spend years and years in some place, and eventually all that we used to have dissolves. No more friendships, community, family, everything is just ulterior motives.

Instead of seeing what did happen, let's look at what may happen again. Maybe you find it hard to start coding again for you enjoy the collaboration part the most, and yet you imagine most people willing to rip your spine out for some money instead of making something cool for this time we have left.

Maybe it's fear of embracing the unknown. The reason people are in the golden handcuffs is because they always want to hold onto tomorrow - a tomorrow that may never come. And it's easy to forget we all disappear from this place someday. Money helps forget that. But the unknown is where the excitement is.

Either way, I think instead of ignoring those 'cants' one may want to instead avoid them at all costs. I can see why they seem like a reality, and because it often does become a reality. People are so vile, greedy, self-centered - even ourselves at times. The best way out is to forget all the incidentals of making a company. Maybe you can try doing bootstrapped stuff, so VCs don't exploit you.

I believe the spark can only alight through forgetting all of the larger goals. If you push yourself away from the premise of making money - maybe doing open source software - then you can avoid these people that prop up this disillusionment.

The cynicism you'll have to struggle with is finding the people worth the time. I have the same trouble. It's extremely hard. Only through a willing heart can you find those people that don't just want your money. We're going to be alone a lot, so it's about finding what makes you fine with the silence.

And most importantly, a long, long break from everything will help you find your flow again. Most of your day is sunk into another job, and it's hard to make sense of anything when most of your time is spent elsewhere.

These are just my conclusions. And to not appear like I'm all talk, I am in the same situation. I haven't even opened my work laptop today. I just don't care anymore. I'm looking forward to being fired.

> we just throw away our time so recklessly, so soullessly.

> No more friendships, community, family, everything is just ulterior motives.

> The reason people are in the golden handcuffs is because they always want to hold onto tomorrow - a tomorrow that may never come.

> People are so vile, greedy, self-centered - even ourselves at times.

> These are just my conclusions.

Just an observation, but these conclusions of yours seem to to revolve a lot around judging and directing resentment at other peoples' priorities and the authenticity of their motivations.

In particular, family, community and friendships are things that help people get through their otherwise mundane workdays. For many, they're not lies or illusions, but rather, the very things that make dealing w/ occasional BS in the professional world worthwhile.

Perhaps it's a sign that you might benefit from more focus on yourself and your own process and purpose, instead of focusing on others, whose purpose and process you can't control.

I made an account just to say thank you to you - parent, and the original poster, and all the others I had read here. And to share my story.

I had the jobs I loved for a very long time (even being in the same corp; and even if jobs were hard). And then the job I loved rather abruptly ended. And I ended up in a job that isn’t exciting for me. And, there is a fair amount of politics and egos. But it pays well and is super flexible. And it’s not too dreadful - more like “meh, okay”. And worse - the alternatives aren’t more exciting either. So in a way - just a cynical way to look at having a luxury problem at hands, I guess.

So I focus on the things I can enjoy here and now, to stay in the moment, while keeping the eyes open for something that I can believe in. I find myself hard problems that I try to solve - yet do not have the pressure to, have little quick side projects, and do one hour of high intensity training every day. I focus on my family and friends outside of work (in the past years I gained a few) It helps.

But I think the reason of this state, is not just doing too much work - it’s that we need something to believe in, something to allow ourselves relax, and show child-like curiosity and emotions for. It’s having more control, if you wish, in some sense, or illusion thereof.

The modern world is so much make-pretend in an attempt to optimize everything, so judgemental, so result-oriented and transactional, that after a while it’s hard to find something “pure”, worth believing in and following. And especially hard after seeing a few cycles, to get excited about another one, people chasing the next holy grail...

Some people would get into a religion, it would definitely help me more if I could. But I can’t.

I have been also reading.

Of the many books that I have read to try to figure myself out - “the new earth”, “the brain that changes itself” and “thinking in systems” are probably among the ones that I would recommend the most. (Of course, the first one has some kind of association behind it, and the second does promote a brain-training app - science based. But it’s nice to see the reasons clear :-) Only the third one is “pure“ - but once you read it, you realize the entirety of the world is just a giant pile of interconnected systems on many levels, and you are back to square 1... :-)

Sorry for the not very coherent rant.

Thank you again, and take care!

I've been there. Burned out so hard I thought I had brain damage. You can't unsee what you have seen, you have to integrate and accept it. Depressing as it is to know how sick the industry is and how many sociopaths there are lurking you have to let go. You have to accept it, trying to unsee it will just make it worse.

It takes time because you will start to see it in other places too. I used to get triggered by TV programs or reading the news but these days Its just one of many thoughts. I've come to accept all the implications and let them unfold over time as my mind kept returning, ruminating. Eventually you will come to terms with it.

It's important to allow time to process as well as not spending all your time ruminating. Balance is the key. Keep living the best life you can but go easy on yourself.

The upside of this whole thing is you are wiser now. As time goes on and you process everything more you will become wiser still. It's tempting to become cynical and it's ok if you are for a while but the world is still full of wonder and hope and beauty, seek it out. There are still good people even in the darkest of times.

It's hard. but also easy. letting go. like dropping a cup from your hand.. it falls. but it's hard. so hard. the easiest thing in the world. to let go. is also really hard.

so you have to work at it. retrain you brain.

they have a system for this. it's called meditation.

and i need to do it more.

it's all about, whenever thoughts and feeling come up, bring your awareness back to the present moment. maybe by focusing on your breath, on the empty space around you, on a point. you will fail. again and again. mind will drift. keep bringing it back gently. that's all meditation is. sit there in stillness and bring your heart and mind to be in the present.

eventually, this happens even when you're not in sitting there meditating. so the past hold less sway, you walk away from it. remember, those thoughts and feeling, they are yours, but they are not you. you are something else.

your are what watches. so, just observe. but to do this, is so hard.

I also discovered, even meditation is not a cure. if there is karma you need to address, unfinished business, conversations which need to be had, something incomplete, you need to work that out and take some action. meditation is good for giving you super powers, and letting go of (parts of) things that are already complete, but which for whatever reason, your brain and limbic system has overconsolidated.