I think you haven't even hit bottom yet. Reality is much, much worse. There are notable exceptions, but the overwhelming odds are that every single relationship in your life-- your wife, family, friends, etc-- are just as dishonest and transactional. Think about it. If you really screw up badly, your wife will leave you, your friends won't return your calls and will refer to you only in hushed tones clucking about "what a shame it is". Their support of you isn't some inherent validation of You as a being, it's in support of you as you exist in society and in the larger world.
We have spent years, even decades, cultivating and grooming our own prisons. In the end, everything we cherish and value will be destroyed. It is 100% certain and there is no way around it. It's such a bleak thing to consider, yet at the same time it is an absolute truth.
After wrestling with these facts for years, I have come to understand the Zen koan about cherishing every moment drinking tea from a glass because to the master, the glass is already broken. Control of the larger world and the people within it are an illusion. In many respects, you are already dead and forgotten. The only thing you can do is admire the stunning beauty and sheer improbability of it all, and to be as kind as possible to those who deserve it, and to many who do not deserve it.
I don't know what happened to you to make you so cynical, and I honestly pity you for it, but I think this is the exact opposite of what someone in the OP's position needs to hear. It's well and good that you've found a zen way of looking at things despite how bleak you seem to find the whole world, but not everyone can manage such a radical mindset shift and don't need to have their faith in humanity eagerly torched.
Honestly, it's not cynicism, although it used to be until I really thought things through. It's just the truth. I have a great life, I have truly been blessed, and I am very thankful. But to me the glass is already broken. Things may come, things may go, the only thing I control is me, and I am at peace.
Again, that's a very healthy mindset to take no matter what the human condition is, but you don't have to take a scorched-earth perspective on life to adopt such a frame of mind. And for most people, who haven't developed such a frame of mind, that scorched-earth perspective can be really destructive.
Additionally, the part about relationships goes further than simple nihilism. Plenty of relationships are real and go further than transactions. Not all of them, but many of them. Again, I don't know who hurt you to make you take such a perspective, but your perspective is deeply skewed.
Ah I'm so glad you posted this! I've been trying to articulate a rejection of cycnism so it's perfect to have the opposite case presented!
I know it is semantics but it's important. You say "it's not cynicism", "it's just the truth". Cynicism is the belief that everyone is almost entirely self-interested. It squeezes out the possibility of altruism and generosity. Its sort of irrelevant whether it's the truth. So you are cynical.
Love that you've found some joy out of being at peace with your worldview.
That's not rock bottom. The knowledge inside major religions goes much deeper. Even if you have your life, relationships and ego bound together there are natural forces that bring us to one eternal doom.
You can have relationships based on emotionality instead of transacted value. It will be the norm for the next decade.
Belief in control of the larger world is trivial, we are the larger world. Gaze deeper into death, it is a tool for removing somethings or patterns that dont work anymore and it reveals more life underneath. Shame is the fear of disconnect, or rather the shame of shame is the fear of disconnection. Going through shame is normal, revealing and your reaction to it is far more important than what shame is as a social force or a feeling.
Flirting with death and being the outlawed cup that breaks and spills its relation to water everywhere is cool and all but people lose interest when you stop flirting and start breaking.
We have spent years, even decades, cultivating and grooming our own prisons. In the end, everything we cherish and value will be destroyed. It is 100% certain and there is no way around it. It's such a bleak thing to consider, yet at the same time it is an absolute truth.
After wrestling with these facts for years, I have come to understand the Zen koan about cherishing every moment drinking tea from a glass because to the master, the glass is already broken. Control of the larger world and the people within it are an illusion. In many respects, you are already dead and forgotten. The only thing you can do is admire the stunning beauty and sheer improbability of it all, and to be as kind as possible to those who deserve it, and to many who do not deserve it.