Unrelated note, but I feel like the concept of "networking", in general, is something that introverts have come up with to explain/emulate something that extroverts do naturally, and since the behaviors of networking aren't a natural priority for introverts, the efforts are doomed to fail. What I mean by this is: introverts will observe extroverts and think, "hmm, what are they doing that makes them successful?" and see that the extroverts are getting opportunities and advice and recommendations through their circle of acquaintances, and think "wow, if I do that I'll be successful", and thus try to optimize directly for the result (i.e. meeting important people and maintaining "relationships" with them) instead of the things that lead to the result (i.e. enjoying meeting and hanging out with random people).
From my informal observations in grad school, a lot of introverts' attempts to "network" end up being disasters where they gather people's contact information, make an odd attempt at "maintaining" a connection with people out of thin air, and the relationship eventually fades away. My grad school actually tried "teaching" networking to us, and I haven't met anyone for whom this approach worked, because I don't think it's possible to teach a personality trait. On the other hand, I've observed that extroverts will make a lot of friends and naturally engage in reciprocal relationships even with acquaintances and don't really put what feels like "effort" into nurturing those relationships.
This difference in priorities reflects in what "networking" looks like for these groups of people:
Introvert - go to a "networking event" once in a blue moon, smile through the awkwardness, hope to connect with someone who can directly help you, collect some LinkedIns, look for the important people, send a DM or two on LinkedIn, ghosted or never talk to those people again
Extrovert - go to some event, grab drinks, talk with a bunch of random people, hit it off with some people regardless of how important they are and invite them to things (e.g. going out, or for some kind of hobby) or get invited to things, hang out with new friend/acquaintance later as previously agreed upon and maybe even bring them into your own social circle, after making many such friend/acquaintances you are now at most 2 degrees removed from someone important / who can directly help you
This is all to say that if networking doesn't come "naturally", it doesn't make sense to intentionally engage in the behaviors of it, as this commits the error of optimizing for the wrong things (like getting people's contact info and hoping for a positive outcome), instead of doing what comes naturally to extroverts (i.e. just making friends without a particular aim where the friend-making is itself the positive outcome). Unfortunately, this means accepting the downside of having lower access to opportunities than extroverted peers, or pursuing different types of opportunities altogether.
>On the other hand, I've observed that extroverts will make a lot of friends and naturally engage in reciprocal relationships even with acquaintances and don't really put what feels like "effort" into nurturing those relationships.
To give a practical example, early in my career I had a hard time talking up people. Senior folks seemed intimidating, and junior colleagues seemed to have it easier than I did. But I found it was easier to talk to new hires as they arrived, because they didn't know a lot of people themselves. I was the more "established" person in their eyes, so I became their go-to guy for questions and advice. I then built up good connections with an increasing number of new hires, which made me the go-to guy for senior folks looking to connect with juniors. Before I knew it, I had all those reciprocal relationships and a network in which I had a strong reputation. No social gamesmanship at all.
>This is all to say that if networking doesn't come "naturally", it doesn't make sense to intentionally engage in the behaviors of it, as this commits the error of optimizing for the wrong things instead of doing what comes naturally to extroverts
I hate to say it but you may have a point here. I read the example in the article and what goes on in my head is "Do I REALLY want to go to parties just to meet friends who may or may not know a good plumber in the area?" Or worse, "Romantically involve myself in someone to get access to their friend group so maybe one of them knows a good plumber?"
And I guess that's the point. This sounds like work and unnecessary effort to me, wheras it's just a "natural" side effect of something an extrovert would typically enjoy. I've always been the shopper that comes in with a list and doesn't waiver unless I genuinely forgot to list something I intended to. I guess that mentality isn't the best in networking unless I myself am valuable.
You could try being the kind of person people want favor/approval from by providing some kind of service instead? Organizing some sort of event could be good if you can find a good fit for your interests - you'll be doing a thing that you want or working to accomplish something important to you and it'll naturally provide opportunities for beneficial social interactions.
Or something else - I think you can avoid the antiutility of transparently socializing as a means to an ends by identifying a situation where your purpose is aligned with your intention, and the socialization is a bonus.
>identifying a situation where your purpose is aligned with your intention, and the socialization is a bonus.
you know, I thought conventions would be the answer to this for me back in college. But the half dozen or so I went to seemed to have had the same results: cool for some slightly more intimate small talk, but not necessarily for making friends. People already come with friends and have established groups, so they aren't necessarily there for that either (Or you know, there are professional conferences and we end up back at this topic: have a bunch of business cards we maybe follow up on with once).
But yeah, I have another plan once the dust settles on my current situation: There's a few OS repos out there that would knock out 3 birds with one stone if I could start contributing, so I'll see how "internet networking" goes.
>You could try being the kind of person people want favor/approval from by providing some kind of service instead?
Possible, but I don't have any services that come to mind. Just your typical geek into tech, games, and anime.
Most of my "network" is like, I had a job, we went to the pub after work, we got chatting, now we are friends.
It feels weird to even call it a network, that's like LinkedIn speak. People I know through work, university, the gym, etc, all exist on the same level in my mind.
I don't really agree. the hard part of networking is being worth talking to for the other person. people will happily overlook a little awkwardness if they think you might be able to help them in the future. you don't have to put in a lot of work to "maintain" the relationship either. just do your best to help them if they ever reach out, and they'll probably be willing to do the same for you.
for me, "networking" is mostly just adding coworkers on LinkedIn. it seemed pointless at first, but a few years later I have first degree connections at most desirable tech companies who would be happy to give me a referral. I find it's usually pretty easy to get a referral even from a second degree connection.
I think you are describing a kind of person who is so good at networking that their network is the main thing of value that they have to offer. this is very hard to achieve as an introverted/shy person, but imo it's not necessary when you have other valuable skills.
My experience reflects this strongly! Ironically I performed what you describe as extroverted networking relentlessly by nature with great success for years, went to engineering school as an adult and dutifully attempted to perform 'networking' as it was recommended to me and as a result had almost that exact 'introvert networking' experience.
Like, your description caused me to recoil in horror from remembered embarrassment.
Because of that I think the 'introvert networking' experience is simply following the procedure as described.
I agree with the nature of your comment, but I would like to make a small tweak to it: instead of presenting people as "naturally" being introverted or extroverted, I would like to posit that the extroverts you refer to are just more experienced in these kinds of social interactions.
I'm kind of weird because a lot of people see me as being extroverted because I tend to act that way when I'm comfortable with a person. But I'm also the type to magnet to the sole person I know at a party and only occasionally talk to their friends if they speak to me. At the last big social event I went to I probably spent as much time talking to people as I did walking around aimlessly trying to appear busy because I was too afraid to talk to someone new. I don't drink but I can understand why "liquid courage" is so common at socials.
The thing is that we tend to assume if we see a so-called extrovert that they must also not face our same inhibitions. But I have not observed this to be the case. Even people so extroverted they still are in touch with strangers they met abroad on a train (in the time before the internet, no less) share in my feelings of social awkwardness. Conversely, I know people who are much more meek and mild than I who completely excel in a social setting. In both cases, they said the edge they had over me was just experience.
If you think yourself an introvert, think actually about how many times you've tried to talk to people at socials. If you're like me at the last social I went to, then you're getting so much less practice than the guy having twenty awkward conversations.
At least in my case, I am least practiced when it comes to introducing myself to a group of strangers. But I am convinced there is a right combination of words and actions that you have to get a feel for. I needed to ask someone I didn't know a question and a friend of mine went with me; he exchanged a few words that I don't even remember and suddenly I was enough into the conversation that I could get my question out without feeling completely red-faced.
I don't know if you practice presenting slideshows like I do, but when I first practice, I'll do a bunch of 30-second false starts when I present a new slide. I'll start to say something and it will come out wrong or I'll work my way into a corner and get stuck, then I'll restart. Eventually I figure out the right formula for introducing the slide, and the rest usually follows from there.
How you practice socializing is still an open question to me. I know I make it sound easy, but I still have trouble overcoming my fears. Even if I intuitively know the right moves, I lack the confidence to make them. Perhaps my biggest issue is that for a long time I did not approach being social as a learned skill, so I didn't put myself out there. I do believe that with experience most anyone can be the life of the party.
Oof, this ended up being a bunch of words. Whoops.
Edit: one additional thought fragment. Part of what drives my social anxiety is a desire to be accepted by others. For presenting, perhaps this is a strength: I will meticulously choose my words assuming my audience is adversarial and I need to win over their attention and adoration. For socializing, I think it is often more a weakness. Caring so much about presenting myself well ironically causes me to never want to put myself out there because, well, I know I'll be awkward. I still have yet to convince myself emotionally (though I know it logically) that most people I meet will have forgotten me by the end of the event - or they will at least have forgotten the several gaffes I made that keep me up at night.
From my informal observations in grad school, a lot of introverts' attempts to "network" end up being disasters where they gather people's contact information, make an odd attempt at "maintaining" a connection with people out of thin air, and the relationship eventually fades away. My grad school actually tried "teaching" networking to us, and I haven't met anyone for whom this approach worked, because I don't think it's possible to teach a personality trait. On the other hand, I've observed that extroverts will make a lot of friends and naturally engage in reciprocal relationships even with acquaintances and don't really put what feels like "effort" into nurturing those relationships.
This difference in priorities reflects in what "networking" looks like for these groups of people:
Introvert - go to a "networking event" once in a blue moon, smile through the awkwardness, hope to connect with someone who can directly help you, collect some LinkedIns, look for the important people, send a DM or two on LinkedIn, ghosted or never talk to those people again
Extrovert - go to some event, grab drinks, talk with a bunch of random people, hit it off with some people regardless of how important they are and invite them to things (e.g. going out, or for some kind of hobby) or get invited to things, hang out with new friend/acquaintance later as previously agreed upon and maybe even bring them into your own social circle, after making many such friend/acquaintances you are now at most 2 degrees removed from someone important / who can directly help you
This is all to say that if networking doesn't come "naturally", it doesn't make sense to intentionally engage in the behaviors of it, as this commits the error of optimizing for the wrong things (like getting people's contact info and hoping for a positive outcome), instead of doing what comes naturally to extroverts (i.e. just making friends without a particular aim where the friend-making is itself the positive outcome). Unfortunately, this means accepting the downside of having lower access to opportunities than extroverted peers, or pursuing different types of opportunities altogether.