I never dared to fight back because I was weak and I knew it wasn’t going to be enough to just win a fight anyway. If I fought back they’d beat me up even harder, I really felt like I was going to die in middle school, and no one would care. I often fantasized about just killing off all the bullies, and finally be at peace forever.
>I knew it wasn’t going to be enough to just win a fight anyway
Im sorry to say this, but no. Its much easier than you think. Mere fact of wanting to fight back changes the way you are perceived. You dont need to win anything, you need to show some backbone and stop being a pushover. Bullies will move to next easiest target and leave you alone. They want easy bullying, not fights. Bullies smell fear, you were bullied because you were afraid to fight back.
victor106 in another comment asks "How do you teach resilience to a kid? What are some things you can do from they are toddlers to teach them?"
You sign your kid up for karate/taekwondo/judo/aikido at age ~6. https://www.shojinjudo.com/wordpress/judo-for-children/ The point is not so he can learn how to fight back, its so he/she never has to because of self-esteem, confidence and self-respect gained thru training.
First of all, if I fought back, they would perceive it as a challenge to their dominance, and then they would beat the fuck out of me without holding anything back. Previously they would beat me up just enough that I could live to get beat up again another day, but if I really pissed them off, they might beat me up so hard I get killed. This is how middle school kid logic works.
A better strategy I always wanted to try was threatening to bring a gun to school and kill them all, and I think this was something I could have really sold to them, but this approach always seemed very risky because I knew they’d report me to some administrator and I’d end up in a detention center or prison for a very long time.
In the end, it was just easier to get beat up and avoid dying as much as possible.
>First of all, if I fought back, they would perceive it as a challenge to their dominance, and then they would beat the fuck out of me without holding anything back. Previously they would beat me up just enough that I could live to get beat up again another day, but if I really pissed them off, they might beat me up so hard I get killed.
>A better strategy I always wanted to try was threatening to bring a gun to school and kill them all
No doubt you were paralyzed by fear, but this is crazy talk! I had my share of bullying in grade school. I put the blame on lack of strong male role model leading to social maladjustment. Years of running to mummy and teachers (typical reactions ranging from 'boys will be boys' to 'no matter who started everyone gets penalized' or the worst 'shake hands and apologize to each other') with no help in sight. All sharply ended when I finally stood up for myself to just one of aggressors last year of school. I later helped another victim in high school by instructing him to fight back, worked exactly the same. It didnt matter he couldnt fight at all and got beat up, that was the last time bully targeted him, he became too much of a hassle for a cheap laugh.
>In the end, it was just easier to get beat up and avoid dying as much as possible.
Again this is what fear made you believe. Bullies dont want fights, bullies want to bully. Fight brings risk to the table, risk of being caught, risk of injury, worst of all risk of humiliation. They seek to spread unchallenged humiliation and violence, thats why they pick helpless victims. Btw someone in permanent victim mentality stands out to psychopaths from a mile away, they can spot vulnerable people at a glance: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/2... Anecdotally I was never perceived as potential victim in high school or later in life, it all stopped when I finally gathered enough confidence to take control of my own fear and confront the bully*
I sincerely hope you got better, managed to adjust and gained enough self-esteem to put past behind you and not let fear control your life.
*) Breaking his nose with my knee didnt hurt either. By accident mind you, kid twice my weight charged head first and I instinctively bend my knee. I kept repeating that motion until he stopped pushing me into the wall. Then I noticed my shoe and leg soaked in blood. School tried to expel me (for self defense!) but that went nowhere quick when a history of reporting being punched/kicked by this very kid for 3 years straight somehow all of a sudden came to light and friend of my mum (mum would just take it without protesting) started shouting at school principal and demanding Police involvement. Once again none of this would have happened with strong personality in the house, it took my mums friend to finally punch thru teacher indifference and put some fear of consequences into them.
Your reply is important. There is a myth that bullies are weak cowards. Now, they may actually turn into cowards when they are faced with a fight that is important but they are likely to lose. But the idea that you can poke them in the nose and they'll go running is very false. It is absolutely true that fighting back without something to back it up can turn a bad situation into a far more dangerous one.
Not arguing that people shouldn't fight back against odds, or that there's no benefit to fighting even if you'll lose, but I insist that we be realistic about the situation a lot of people getting bullied are facing.
I had a similar experience for a few years, although not as bad as you had it I think. I would also regularly fantasise about killing the bullies.
My tormenters eased off as we got older though. Some of the worst had been expelled by then for assaulting teachers. I was still mostly a social outcast but acquired a weird kind of nerd cool.
