I came here to leave a comment related to this. This article has great advice, if you're normal enough that enough of "your people" exist to be able to find them and do something together.
But if you've spent your whole life being told by the whole world--even people you thought were really interesting and wanted to get to know--that you're "just too fucking weird," it lands more like, "Oh. More advice for other people."
Similarly, if you're a person who likes all kinds of things--but only for 6 weeks to 6 months and then becomes utterly bored of them--there is no stable group of "your people." There's just "these people, for now, I guess," and you hold them lightly because you know in a matter of months, when you don't share the passion for the one thing they're stably obsessed with, you won't have enough in common anymore for them to tolerate you.
I'm almost 40. I'm really at a decision point where I have to decide if I want to keep working on my underlying trauma wounds, in hopes that if I just work hard enough, I'll eventually break into the "fun kind of odd" category instead of "too fucking weird," and blend in enough to have "people," or whether I want to own that this is just how I am, and there's nothing to be done about it, so I should really do what I can to appreciate the fleeting tolerance of "people who don't know me very well yet" while it lasts, but invest most of my energy in trying to figure out if there's any way to be both happy and lonely.
It sounds like you need some friends in the maker space or something similar where tinkering in something temporary is normal. I'd say you're among friends in the HN space where tinkerers are more common!
Keep working on your trauma. Don't however think that your healing is a requirement to have friends, love, etc. We are all broken and hurt. We are broken together.
I've tried a couple times, but the interest in making physical things cycles through just like any other interest. Then it gets replaced by something like neurobiology or anthropology and I don't want to make things for awhile.
It seems like I really enjoy the beginnings of things, like if we run Pareto ratios twice, I like the 4% of the learning that gets me 64% of the understanding. And then it's enough and I'm done. It's enough to ask questions of the interesting people without sounding like a total n00b.
In the time it would take to master one thing, I become "barely proficient" in 25, but it's hard to build anything meaningful, including human connections, operating like that.
I know healing isn't a requirement to deserve the friendship of others. But if I keep operating like this because of it, it's definitely an impediment to building those friendships.
Ya, your situation is rough. Made many fold harder by today's isolating culture and technology.
Have you found any artists or creators to hang with?
Especially these days, artists have to be very tech savvy. I've always enjoyed helping others with their projects. (I possess the artistic talent of sea kelp rotting in the sun.)
In my experience, makerspaces have dabblers, not doers.
> Similarly, if you're a person who likes all kinds of things--but only for 6 weeks to 6 months and then becomes utterly bored of them--there is no stable group of "your people." There's just "these people, for now, I guess," and you hold them lightly because you know in a matter of months, when you don't share the passion for the one thing they're stably obsessed with, you won't have enough in common anymore for them to tolerate you.
My lord this cuts deep. Bonus points if you approach your interests in a way that nobody else seems to, leaving you feeling even more disconnected and alone when you're around people who share them.
I've been wrestling with this since (dropping out of) high school, I'm in my early 20s now. I lean towards embracing my idiosyncrasies and letting go of attachment towards getting the kind of social fulfillment I want. Ask me on a different day, though, and the siren's call of having a 'people' is too strong to pass up.
I like to think that learning to just be authentic to myself leads to both in the long run - if I can find a way to be okay with being alone, I'll be in a better place to reach out when the time comes. Still working on the first part of that hypothesis though.
Would you be interested in chatting more about this sometime? Shoot me an email, sheyaway at outlook.
Yeah, but the other symptoms don't line up. Screenings I've had have been negative.
It seems more likely that I have complex trauma from gestation, birth, infancy, and early childhood that really threw a monkeywrench into my neurological development. What we're trying to figure out now is whether I have enough neuroplasticity left at this stage for it to be recoverable, or if I'm just going to be like this forever. I'm definitely not neurologically typical, but I'm also not neurodivergent in a well-established category.
It does seem like there comes a point, though, where it's worth throwing in the towel on attempting to get "better" and just learning to make the most of what is.
I've reprogrammed myself at least 4 times so far (now 57yo).
Most recently, a few years ago, I went thru Swedish Hospital's Pain Clinic program. Synthesis of all the life skills recommended for trauma, mental health, and ADHD, plus some new ones for pain management.
I don't even believe this woo woo stuff even works. Yet it worked on me despite my skepticism. So what do I know?
I think there's probably major overlap between "woo woo" and "all the stuff we don't understand about the brain yet," at least when it comes to woo woo effects on our own bodies.
Honestly, though, the hard part is figuring out which strategies are likely to work, and which are only woo woo, and then testing the theory. When things feel like they are getting worse, it's extremely hard to tell when they're "getting worse so they can get better" versus "getting worse because this is absolutely the wrong path and I'm hurting myself." It often takes years to be able to tell, and then I'm having to try to make decisions with whatever lower capacity I have then than when I started, so I'm even less likely to decide well.
As someone who's reprogrammed yourself (presumably favorably?) four times, any pointers for figuring out what the right paths are, or who are the right guides to follow?
I can barely take credit for my reprogrammings. They were mostly done under duress, when I had run out of options.
#1 I was just a kid. Mostly an attitude adjustment. I remember wanting to join society. I was pretty into Jesus at the time, so the phrase 'God helps those who helps themselves" resonated with me.
#2 Post divorce, I finally addressed my anger. I had already tried All The Things. Met a terrific therapist who turned me onto the book When Anger Hurts. I had nothing left to lose, so I read it. Super eureka.
But I still had the habit of anger. And no clue what to do about it.
Then I unwittingly reinvented the notion "fake it til you make it". I pretended to be happy. Mostly to fit in and maybe spare my son from all my baggage. At first the words were sarcastic. About 3 years later I woke up and was surprised the words were sincere. Wow, when did that happen?! Some time later I learned this is a known technique.
#3 My activist phase. Years into it, I ran for political office. I play to win. So I LARPed as a politician. eg No more vulgarity. Over time you no longer notice you're "faking it". Now, much later, it's like code switching.
This was the only instance when I deliberately changed with a goal personality in mind.
#4 Doing the Pain Services stuff, what I call "Pain College". It was seminar format and cramming a lot of information. Because of insurance (coverage), we only learned well established skills and techniques. More than any individual skill, most of which I had dabbled with, they advocate a regiment. Plus, I think, understanding the best available science -- neuroplasticity, pain is protection, "don't get mad; get curious", other stuff I don't quickly remember -- is somehow empowering.
Note that I thought it was all BS. I was super pissed my care givers wouldn't do a surgery (that I'll eventually need) and suggested Pain Services.
But I had completely run out of options. So I decided if I had to jump thru yet another hoop, then so be it. I'll just go thru the motions.
Fortunately, we patients get an immediate (very modest) benefit. (Which could just be placebo, right?) But maybe, just maybe it's working, thereby keeping me engaged.
Imagine my surprise when ~3 months later when my body released a dump truck full of pain, guarding behavior, anxiety. I really can't explained what happened, I have no words.
Trying to articulate it: it was like decades of bottled up pain (mental, physical) was uncorked.
Happily, I've steadily "improved" since. I'm still in a huge amount of pain. But it's somehow less emotional, less debilitating.
--
So I guess that's my long way of saying that in my case, for the very needful transformations, I didn't seek it out, have any hope.
Since you're already aware of neuroplasticity (sign of an open mind), I'm sure you'll achive better results more quickly.
But if you've spent your whole life being told by the whole world--even people you thought were really interesting and wanted to get to know--that you're "just too fucking weird," it lands more like, "Oh. More advice for other people."
Similarly, if you're a person who likes all kinds of things--but only for 6 weeks to 6 months and then becomes utterly bored of them--there is no stable group of "your people." There's just "these people, for now, I guess," and you hold them lightly because you know in a matter of months, when you don't share the passion for the one thing they're stably obsessed with, you won't have enough in common anymore for them to tolerate you.
I'm almost 40. I'm really at a decision point where I have to decide if I want to keep working on my underlying trauma wounds, in hopes that if I just work hard enough, I'll eventually break into the "fun kind of odd" category instead of "too fucking weird," and blend in enough to have "people," or whether I want to own that this is just how I am, and there's nothing to be done about it, so I should really do what I can to appreciate the fleeting tolerance of "people who don't know me very well yet" while it lasts, but invest most of my energy in trying to figure out if there's any way to be both happy and lonely.