Yeah, but the other symptoms don't line up. Screenings I've had have been negative.
It seems more likely that I have complex trauma from gestation, birth, infancy, and early childhood that really threw a monkeywrench into my neurological development. What we're trying to figure out now is whether I have enough neuroplasticity left at this stage for it to be recoverable, or if I'm just going to be like this forever. I'm definitely not neurologically typical, but I'm also not neurodivergent in a well-established category.
It does seem like there comes a point, though, where it's worth throwing in the towel on attempting to get "better" and just learning to make the most of what is.
I've reprogrammed myself at least 4 times so far (now 57yo).
Most recently, a few years ago, I went thru Swedish Hospital's Pain Clinic program. Synthesis of all the life skills recommended for trauma, mental health, and ADHD, plus some new ones for pain management.
I don't even believe this woo woo stuff even works. Yet it worked on me despite my skepticism. So what do I know?
I think there's probably major overlap between "woo woo" and "all the stuff we don't understand about the brain yet," at least when it comes to woo woo effects on our own bodies.
Honestly, though, the hard part is figuring out which strategies are likely to work, and which are only woo woo, and then testing the theory. When things feel like they are getting worse, it's extremely hard to tell when they're "getting worse so they can get better" versus "getting worse because this is absolutely the wrong path and I'm hurting myself." It often takes years to be able to tell, and then I'm having to try to make decisions with whatever lower capacity I have then than when I started, so I'm even less likely to decide well.
As someone who's reprogrammed yourself (presumably favorably?) four times, any pointers for figuring out what the right paths are, or who are the right guides to follow?
I can barely take credit for my reprogrammings. They were mostly done under duress, when I had run out of options.
#1 I was just a kid. Mostly an attitude adjustment. I remember wanting to join society. I was pretty into Jesus at the time, so the phrase 'God helps those who helps themselves" resonated with me.
#2 Post divorce, I finally addressed my anger. I had already tried All The Things. Met a terrific therapist who turned me onto the book When Anger Hurts. I had nothing left to lose, so I read it. Super eureka.
But I still had the habit of anger. And no clue what to do about it.
Then I unwittingly reinvented the notion "fake it til you make it". I pretended to be happy. Mostly to fit in and maybe spare my son from all my baggage. At first the words were sarcastic. About 3 years later I woke up and was surprised the words were sincere. Wow, when did that happen?! Some time later I learned this is a known technique.
#3 My activist phase. Years into it, I ran for political office. I play to win. So I LARPed as a politician. eg No more vulgarity. Over time you no longer notice you're "faking it". Now, much later, it's like code switching.
This was the only instance when I deliberately changed with a goal personality in mind.
#4 Doing the Pain Services stuff, what I call "Pain College". It was seminar format and cramming a lot of information. Because of insurance (coverage), we only learned well established skills and techniques. More than any individual skill, most of which I had dabbled with, they advocate a regiment. Plus, I think, understanding the best available science -- neuroplasticity, pain is protection, "don't get mad; get curious", other stuff I don't quickly remember -- is somehow empowering.
Note that I thought it was all BS. I was super pissed my care givers wouldn't do a surgery (that I'll eventually need) and suggested Pain Services.
But I had completely run out of options. So I decided if I had to jump thru yet another hoop, then so be it. I'll just go thru the motions.
Fortunately, we patients get an immediate (very modest) benefit. (Which could just be placebo, right?) But maybe, just maybe it's working, thereby keeping me engaged.
Imagine my surprise when ~3 months later when my body released a dump truck full of pain, guarding behavior, anxiety. I really can't explained what happened, I have no words.
Trying to articulate it: it was like decades of bottled up pain (mental, physical) was uncorked.
Happily, I've steadily "improved" since. I'm still in a huge amount of pain. But it's somehow less emotional, less debilitating.
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So I guess that's my long way of saying that in my case, for the very needful transformations, I didn't seek it out, have any hope.
Since you're already aware of neuroplasticity (sign of an open mind), I'm sure you'll achive better results more quickly.
