Why not ask direct & clear then? I also think it sounds disingenuous. This kind of passive-aggression is what “cracking the whip” feels like for employees.
How do you get more clear? When I say "If there's anything I can help with please let me know." that's what I mean. The misinterpretation is because of overthinking, not because of vagueness.
I can reassure the person if they want, but they have to tell me they need reassurance before, or I have to at least detect they're uncomfortable. I'm not gonna go to every employee and say "ok just so you know, I'm not thinking about firing you". That's even weirder!
Consider this: "It's not our biggest account, but it does count for something, so I really want our team to get the demo online by Thursday, so I was thinking of having Jared work with you for for the next two days, or having you hold off on the Tachyon project until Fusion is ready. Which of those options sounds good to you?" These are the techniques used:
The message began with "Just wanted to check in and see," but they're not just curious and adding a layer of casualness confused the message. They're not just checking in, they are asking for reason related to the product delivery. Maybe things are going well, and the manager is seeking to optimize to deliver early. Or maybe the employee is about to delay something or maybe not until weeks from now. But with the intent hidden, the manager concentrates all of the power, setting the managed into an anxious or defensive posture. So clarify the situation with the appropriate level of urgency.
Next, add suggestions of what the manager can do. The employee can't be expected to guess or know what options are available. Is there $ for a consultant? Can a team member ahead of the game afford a few pair-programming sessions? Could tasks be reprioritized? Knowing these options is the manager's duty. Expecting the employee to come up with them is like expecting a boat to tell you how it should be washed. They are likely already pressed trying to perform technically, so generating a list of possibilities without knowing their feasibility compounds the stress. It's like picking movies with a friend: One picks a number of good possibilities and the other choose from that set.
Next, and you may pass this over as overly pedantic: There absolutely are things that a manager could do to help, so asking if there are sounds too simple. It sounds like a weak lead. And for someone struggling, getting led by a person full of uncertainty compounds everything.
Finally, I would suggest reassuring the person they're not going to get fired if they answer this question wrong. With the growth of "hire to fire" positions and stack ranking, employees often feel like managers are simply out to gather evidence of blood so they can be pecked to death. Just be level about how where this work stands in importance.
Please know that even if you've proven yourself to be a talented and compassionate manager over many years, the folks who report to you may have had many more years of managers and companies who did not do a good job of caring for their employees, or may have been outright terrible to them.
There's also the reality that, when corresponding with your employer, it's sort of like talking to the police: anything you say can and will be used against you.
If my manager had a "hey, what's going on?" conversation with me out of the blue, my immediate reaction would be concern. I honestly believe that my manager is a good guy who wants me to succeed, and I'm still very cautious about what I say to him. I know that I can never un-say anything. Also, losing this job would be difficult. Though I am a software engineer and could find work relatively quickly this would put me in a very difficult situation due to the US health insurance system and my wife's serious illness.
I would suggest:
1. In-person or video chats instead of email/slack when possible. Written words tend to be so much more prone to misunderstanding and can be used against a person more readily.
2. When possible, regular scheduled informal reviews with your reports, instead of unscheduled "what's going on?" queries. I've never understood why managers don't make time to talk to their reports one-on-one at least once a month. They could be short 15 minute conversations!
In my experience, number 1 only makes things worse. For a simple status check, it's better to educate the employees about what "status checks" are rather than let them assume... something I try to do day to day and kind of what I'm trying to do here. If you let them assume, most people IME assume that a video or in-person meeting is more important than slack/quick email. Remember that "is there anything I can help?" is a legitimate question, and that this is not a "management tips" thread, but rather about about an employee (or espouse of one) asking how to deal with managers.
Number 2 is a great good tip indeed, if you want a status report, just wait until the next bi-weekly meeting and it will look even more casual.
I don't know about this particular case, but direct and clear can be read more like "accusing" depending on your culture. I think this reads more like "hey is everything okay?" than "why are your numbers dipping?"
Definitely - personally I feel the opposite. The more indirect, the more offensive it reads. “Is everything ok?” tells me there is a problem I need to expose myself (am I underperforming? Do I look unwell? Did I say something wrong?). Feels like a trap.
I’d rather hear what the problem is and how they think it can be fixed. (EU based)
I am trying really hard to resist judging you by your comment, but I will try.
Human empathy and emotional intelligence appears to lead to a common pattern in communications. For personal questions, you always want to ask gently and not aggressively.
This of course, for a lot of developers appears like an anti-pattern. We like machines, probably because humans are confusing with vague inputs and totally erratic outputs. However the whole "I say things bluntly" approach will at some point limit the developer. "Hard to work with" becomes a thing. Of course this can be hidden blessing for a dev that likes working on code in isolation and not interact with people. From a management stand point though it's a little flag about that person.
Now the funny thing is some of the same people that like to speak bluntly tend to not like it when others are blunt with them. Regardless, let's try this exercise.
Which one of these two paragraphs sound "better"
a) "Hey X, hope you're doing well. Just wanted to check in and see if you'll still be doing N things from here on out, or if you've been spending more time doing ___. If there's anything I can help with please let me know."
vs
b) "Hey X. You haven't being doing N things, and it doesn't seem like you have been doing more of _____. Get your act together or start looking for a new job."
The interesting thing to me is that your interpretation of (a) is that it's passive-aggression, "cracking the whip". That it's disingenuous...and I guess this is when I am going to start judging you...
What if you are wrong? What if the manager is concerned about the well being of their employee? Why do you feel like it's aggressive? I will like to postulate that the email is actually very well written. The problem with "direct & clear" is that the manager would have to be making assumptions. Maybe they are working on _____ and not N. He might not know, he might have suspicions, but he can't be sure. Also if someone is having problems telling them that they appear sad / depressed / unproductive creates more stress to some people. Ever been upset that you got upset?
In essence the manager is communicating. They are saying please give me an update on what you are working on. They are giving her an out, to say "I am working on ____", so in essence they assume good intentions. They are also asking about N. Have they stopped working on it? Is it a lull? Furthermore they are allowing for the employee to bring up any blockers or issues she is facing. The key point is though, they didn't make any assumptions. They are trying to find out the reality of that employee.
Haha. You failed. I can feel the judgement from here. Sounds like the classic preconception of the socially-challenged developer. I thought that meme had died years ago. I promise you I am nothing like that, and not very blunt when communicating either. My role is at least 75% teamwork/management, not development.
As someone else mentioned, there is most likely a cultural divide here. I know you’re not “just checking in”. If you were truly worried about my well being, you would not be mixing that with a progress update. “Let me know how I can help” is also just a backhanded way to tell me something is wrong.
What I would like is a professional conversation (not a blunt one). “Look, X, I’ve noticed you didn’t deliver Y and Z on the agreed timeline yesterday. If you need it we can offload some of the tasks to ABC. As you know we need this live by X because [reasons]. Let’s schedule a call if you’d like to discuss how we can get this back on track. Cheers, Your Manager”
None of the “checking in” bullshit, just honest and direct, but also not offensive or judgmental. A more personal talk can be had f2f or over a call.
But that's the issue here: this is how a lot of managers "just check in"! Maybe that's not how you would do it, but that's how a lot of us do.
There's no backhanded way of telling something is wrong. "Is there anything I can do to help?" is a legitimate question. I believe that is the crux of the miscommunication here, not the cultural part (I'm also in EU).
I believe you're reading this in a different way others are, which is completely okay, but is leading to lots of misinterpretation. I'd seriously rethink if you're not the one being judgemental here, especially about the "passive aggressive" part.
I also think you're also coming from a compeltely different direction here: you're giving management advice, while what I was trying to give is how to interpret your manager's words.
